The Mommy Competition

In the beginning all I wanted to do was take care of Danni until her real mother could get her life back on track and resume the care of her child. This was supposed to be temporary. Then something strange happened. Perhaps it was the many sleepless nights I walked the floor with a screaming infant. Or maybe it was the countless times I had to put my own needs aside because the child’s needs came first.. Somewhere along the way in my mind I became Danni’s only true mother! 

Resentment was a big force in my life then. Here I was spending my money on nice clothes for Danni, teaching her morals and manners, making sure she was properly fed, bathed etc. and then along comes Bio Mom for a visit bringing her friends and current love interest. to show off her baby. “Oh look at my daughter. Isn’t she cute, smart and wonderful.” She would say. When Danni did something cute or showed how smart she is my daughter would say things like “She gets that from me.” Statements like that made me want puke. I quietly seethed. Who was she to take credit for all my hard work?  While I was stuck home caring for the baby she was off running the streets going along her merry way. Birthdays, Holidays came and went. Boy I showed everyone who the real mother was. When Bio Mom was broke it was great because I could be the hero and give lavish birthday parties and just the right gifts. The years she did not show up were even better. There was no confusion at all who was the real mother. There was no Mommy War. I won hands down.

Then something wonderfully terrible happened. My daughter started to get better. As her mother I was pleased but afraid it would not last. I dared not let my guard down and expose Danni and myself to more hurt.  But a mother’s love never dies and hope began to creep in. Perhaps my daughter could return to the family.  At the same time it was terrible. My daughter started trying to be a mother to what I thought of as my child. The fear and resentment began to get worse. “It’s too little too late” I thought.  In my mind I said ,“You had your chance and you blew it. She’s mine now.” The fear of her breaking up my fantasy of the perfect little family was overwhelming. I thought I had earned the title of Mommy. That’s when the “Mommy Competition” began in earnest.

Danni has always called me Mommy. She knows I am a grandmother but because she has lived with me all her life she feels that Mother daughter bond. She always called my daughter Mommy or Mommy Kelly and it was working.  Suddenly when Danni saw my daughter she was told she was not allowed to call me Mommy any longer but must call me Grandma. Wow did I resent that one. From my perspective I earned that title and hated it was being stolen from me. From Danni’s perspective it was better to go along than fight so she called me Mommy when my daughter was not around and Grandma when she was. I did not want her stuck in the middle so I told Danni I did not care what she called me. I did are but I was trying hard not to for Danni’s sake.

When I bought Danni a great gift for a holiday my daughter brought ten better ones. If I bought an outfit she bought ten better ones. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. “Of course she can bring better gifts” I thought, “She is not spending a fortune supporting the child.” What I did not stop to consider was that perhaps those gifts were her way of doing what she could to see that Danni had nice things. I refused to think that she gave those things to her daughter out of love. I could not see the pain and guilt she felt because someone else was parenting her child. It was easier to think that she did not really care but was putting on a show.

There were years of ugliness in our family. Court battles and private wars were the norm. Ugly words were said and countless more went unsaid. Anger and fear ruled all our lives. Poor Danni was caught in the middle of this. Each of us blamed the other for her stress but looking back I can see that we were both to blame. My daughter and I were rendered helpless by our love for the same child. 

The great thing about this life is that all bad things come to an end. Good does overcome evil. We just could not sustain the stress that had taken over our lives. Something had to give and in our family I think it was both of us. I just decided one day to stop fighting. It was taking too big a toll on Danni. If I love this child I cannot continue to be a part of her hurt. A funny thing happened. We had some long talks and were brutally honest with each other. I started to understand her life and feelings. She started to understand mine.

 With understanding came solutions. We started cooperating. Kelly and I decided that it was okay for Danni to have two Mommys and that each of us has a separate but important role to play in her life things got better between us. We decided that there need not be a good guy and a bad guy. Our family works better with no bad guys allowed.

In the end all of us won the Mommy Competition. I have the daughter I have loved for 34 years back in my life. She has the mother all of us need even after we are grown. But the real winner is Danni because she is free to love both of us without having to choose sides. She can go from my home to her mother’s home without feeling she is betraying the “Mommy” left behind. 

 It took a lot of years and countless mistakes along the way to get where we are today as a family.  It surely was not easy or fun. This situation we parenting grandparents find ourselves in is not right. It’s not fun. It just is.  But if we can work together to make the best of a bad situation we will survive this and our children will thrive in a world where love and respect rules the day.

If I had my life to live over again the Mommy Competition would be one of those things I would forget to play