My Feelings of LOVE
by Kathy Reynolds

  LOVE has had so many meanings to me over the years. As a child in the 50s, I thought that if my parents loved me then they would give me whatever I wanted,  when I wanted, and take away the things I didn't want. I didn't understand the constraints of time and money and my own safety. I'm glad my parents knew better than me. 

  AT sixteen I KNEW the meaning of love. Love was a feeling that was so new and wonderful. My boyfriend, Sammy and I were in LOVE and it was great. We would get married and live happily ever after. I would wake at the crack of dawn, make him a big breakfast, pack a manly lunch, and send him off to work with a kiss & a smile. We would have lots of children and after sending my loving hubby off to work, I would sing as I got them up, fed, dressed, and off to school with a kiss and a smile. I would sing and smile as I cleaned the house, made homemade bread, soups, and cookies. then welcome my loving family home at the end of the day. Hey it worked on Leave It To Beaver. 

  As a hippie flower child of the 60s I also knew that LOVE was the answer to all the worlds problems. No need for police, prisons or wars. If we just loved these poor unfortunate souls enough everyone would be nice and peace would rule the world. Money was not necessary. We would share with our global family and everyone would have what they needed. 
  AND THEN I WOKE UP! As a young wife and mother in the 70s I found that husbands can be messy, and babies didn't always smell sweet, and cute little puppies pooped on the rug. After taking care of children and the house all day I was too tired to get up at the crack of dawn to give my husband the big loving send off. Besides Clark is a grown man who can open a box of cereal all by himself. I found that kids don't wake up with a smile any more than I did, that it was a real chore to get the up, fed, find the lost shoe, iron the skirt "That I just have to wear," even though there were several others hanging ready in the closet. I didn't feel like singing I felt like screaming. But I KNEW what LOVE was. I stuffed my feelings and did what had to be done. I fed what needed feeding, washed what needed washing, kissed the boo boos, wiped the noses and dried the tears that fell, except for my own unshed ones when I wondered where my life had gone. And just who is that man across the dinner table, who went to work each day, paid the bills, and tried really hard to help keep this family together. Once we laughed, and loved and danced in the rain. Did we just lose each other in the shuffle of raising our kids. 

   When my kids grew up and left home in the early 90s I knew what LOVE was. It meant bringing my children up the best I could, then letting them go off in the world to make their own lives, mistakes and find their own solutions.  It meant loving them always but not always liking the way they lived their lives and the choices they made. I reserve my right as their loving mother to give my opinion and advice but then must shut my mouth and let them live their own dreams instead of mine. I watched as my grandchildren were born into the world, with joy, and hope for the future. I found it wonderful to love them and sing to them and give them back to their parents at the end of the day. I found the man across the dinner table still was the wonderful man I married and without the distractions of children we laughed and loved and danced in the desert under the stars. 

   Nine months after the youngest child left home to begin her life, I had to once again redefine my own meaning of LOVE. Even though I have never stopped loving any of my children, I could not stand by and watch while one dragged her infant child into the darkness of drugs and mental illness that was her life. I had to make the hard choice of turning my back on my daughter to save my granddaughter. Though it was a painful choice it was also an easy choice to choose the innocent child who was suffering because if her mother's inability to care for her. My daughter had choices but my granddaughter didn't. I LOVED my grandchild enough to go to court, fight with my daughter, allow her to hate me, and get custody of my granddaughter.

    NOW as a grandmother raising a grandchild, and facing the year 2000, I THINK, I know the true meaning of LOVE.;

• LOVE is like a precious diamond that has many facets but shines through your darkest hours. 
• LOVE is not just a feeling that takes me to bliss I have never felt before, but when given and returned it can do that. 
• LOVE is not just between a man and a woman, but something to be shared with our families friends, and our global family. 
• LOVE is wonderful but sometimes it hurts myself and others to do the right thing out of love. 
• LOVE won't take away the pain and suffering of the world , but without it the world would be a very sad place. 
• LOVE is not only a feeling, but an action that means doing the right thing for those you love even though it might be hard, and inconvenient or costly in money or emotions. 
• LOVE is sometimes having to say you are sorry to let others know that you were wrong and that you care. 
• LOVE sometimes means standing back, shutting my mouth, and watching my children and grandchildren fall, knowing that the injuries they suffer won't be severe, but being there to catch them if the fall would do permanent damage, and the wisdom to know the difference. 
• LOVE is pride and joy when one succeeds, tears and hugs when one hurts, help when one needs it, and a kick in the but when one needs that. 
• LOVE is being there, through good times and bad, happy and sad, and doing what needs to be done to better the lives of those around me and therefore bettering me.

When I reach another chapter in my life will my feelings of LOVE change?