2006 Archive:...January..February..March..April..May..June..July..August..September..October.November..December
GrandsPlace News - July 2006The Weapons Of A Substance Abuser
by Kathy ReynoldsMany grandparents and other kinship caregivers are parenting children born to others due to the darkness of substance abuse. Couples with the abuse of substances these people we love but cannot stand tend to emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abuse us as well. We need to understand that this abuse is part of the disease of addiction. We cannot help ourselves, our children or our problem adults until we learn to understand that addiction is a real physical and emotional disease. The use of alcohol and other drugs causes actual changes in the brain of the addict that drives both their need for the substance and the behavior that goes along with their addiction. Once we understand that we can change our own behavior to protect ourselves and our families from the behavior of the abuser. Even if your problem adult is not a substance abuser he or she may use these emotional tools to mapulate you in order to sustain his or her lifestyle.
An addict cannot continue his or her substance abuse in a vacuum. He or she needs help and support. The addict seeks out other substance abusers as a support system to maintain the feeling that substance abuse is acceptable. People all chose their friends by seeking out those that are what the person wants to be like. Because he or she knows that other addicts are not dependable the addict looks to family for help. A drug addict needs help to continue his or her habit. He or she uses common weapons to gain our help. Relatives of the addict are the most common people the substance addict goes to for help managing his addiction. Parents are the ones an addict uses to manipulate into helping him or her to keep using. Our love and compassion gives the addict the tools to manipulate us into helping him or her continue to use drugs. He or she may not come in and say “HI Mom I need money to buy crack.” but the addict will manipulate us into helping him or her continue to use by asking us to help ease the consequences of his or her addictions. We love him or her. It’s easy to manipulate us. Even the truth is a great weapon to use to get us to help him keep using. Picture this common scene.
Your daughter shows up at your door in the dead of winter dope sick, broke and without a coat. You bring her in, feed her and feel badly that your child has come to this. She tells you she had to walk miles to get there because her phone has been disconnected. She wanted to talk to you because she lost her job last week and the rent is due. She asks to borrow some money just to get her by till she finds another job. You don’t really trust her but you don’t want her to be homeless so you get out the checkbook, write a check to the landlord and perhaps you lend her a coat before you drive her home and give the check to the landlord. Perhaps you stopped at a supermarket and bought her food on the way. You feel good that you did not give the money to her because at least she can’t take it and use it on drugs and because you kept her from being homeless.
What actually happened was that you’ve been had. You just freed up hundreds of dollars of your daughter’s money that she can now use to buy drugs. She will probably sell the coat too. Addicts learn quickly from other addicts the tools needed to manipulate the people that love them into unwittingly supporting their behavior. As much as we love our problem adult’s we need to help them by removing the tools they use to stay addicted. We need to disconnect the emotional buttons that are an addict’s best tools. Only when the addict feels the true consequences of his or her actions will they feel the need to seek help. Some will never seek help.
The first weapon an addict uses is the ability to arouse anger or cause the loss of temper. If we become angry and hostile, we lose. We have been rendered completely helpless to resolve any situation with our problem adult. Consciously or unconsciously, the addict is projecting an image of self-hatred against us, their parents. If the addict is rewarded by angry, hostile attacks his or her feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are shared by you is verified. The addict justifies the use of drugs in the past and the future. After all why try if you are a failure. Your angry words feed the addict with the ability to use the next weapon.
The next weapon of the addict is the ability to arouse anxiety. When we are anxious we are compelled to do for the addict that which can and should be done only by the addict. If the illness of addiction is to be stopped and recovery begun and succeded. The above situation is a good example of this. The addict knows full well when the rent is due well before, during and after the substance abuse period. The addict does not have money in the bank to pay the rent. She was counting on the fact that you love her and will not let her be homeless because she knows your fears for her safety. She uses your intense anxiety about what could happen to her happen if she becomes homeless. She knows you will secure money and cover the rent. Paying the rent relieves our anxiety and that of the addict, but it establishes a pattern for the addict in the area of problem solving. The addict now learns that his family is not going to let him suffer the consequences; and he may expect this to be done whenever a personal crisis caused by addiction occurs.
In addition by suffering the consequences for the addict, you rob him or her of the chance to solve his or her own problem making the failure permanent. The addict cannot do what you have already done. This increases the addict’s sense of failure and guilt, and increases the family’s sense of hostility and condemnation of the addict. Thereby the addict is doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the substance abuser’s guilt and resentment against him or her self and your family. The entire situation is thus made hopeless. You were not responsible for paying the rent, but in making it good you gave the addict a form of approval while you condemned the same act.
Substance abusers are driven along the progress of their disease when his or her family is unable to cope with anxiety the addict caused. This is part of the illness of addiction. Neither the addict nor his or her family is able to face reality. The addict can never learn to solve his own problems in a responsible way if the anxiety of his or her family removes the problem before the addict can be brought to face it, and solve it or suffer the consequences. This course of action increases the addict’s irresponsibility, and thereby increases the hostility, resentment and tension between the substance abuser and his or her family.
Another weapon of the addict is the ability to arouse guilt. It is common to hear our members say, “We don’t know what we did wrong”... and then begin to list all the things they thought had been done right. Next come the questions of “Perhaps when he was five I did this” or “Maybe when I divorced his father it affected him more than I knew.” Blaming keeps everyone helpless. We do not have to assign blame to ourselves, our problem adult’s friends or other relatives to extricate ourselves and the substance abuser from his or her addiction and related problems.
The addict will often accuse the family of all kinds of things real an imagined. If he or she can arouse your guilt the substance abuser can probably manipulate you. Most of us, under the pain of guilt, will try to make amends and be nice to the offended party. Of course, being nice often takes the form of enabling the addict to avoid the pain of facing the result of his or her actions. At times, a parent feeling guilt will actually provide the money for the substance abuser’s continuing abuse, enabling him to face tremendous danger while he is especially vulnerable.
We need to use tough love. Tough love does not allow a child to play in traffic, even if the child accuses us of a lack of love. So it is with the family of a substance abuser. Even though there is half-truth in his or her accusations (Oh you never cared about me. .You gave Sarah a bigger allowance than you gave me!), loving the addict more in the past present or future will not provide your substance abuser the means to get high.
Before you allow yourself to be manipulated by guilt, it would be wise to consult with an experienced counselor. Such manipulation is destructive to all involved, and to the relationship between you and your problem adult. Parents are notoriously susceptible to the words, “If you really cared about me, you would...”
Guilt, anger and anxiety must be dealt with. If you succumb to guilt it will contribute to the progress of the illness of addiction. Family members must first learn to cope with our own problems before we can help an addict. The actions of the addict are what cause the pain and chaos in our lives. We need to get help and just as with any serious illness requires help outside the family from doctors, nurses, etc so does the illness of addiction suffered by our problem adult and our co-dependency with him or her. The addict can continue to deny that he has a drug problem and that he needs help, as long as the family provides an automatic escape from consequences of drugs.
Help for the addict and for the family should come from trained professionals Emotional support during this time can come from 12 step programs such as Al-anon, AA or NA There are no home remedies for drug abuse or the problems suffered by the family of the substance abuser. With help you can heal your family, build a more peaceful life for the children in your care and yourself and hope that the substance abuser in your life finds sobriety. By knowing the tools used by substance abusers and rendering them useless the pain and chaos the addict brings to your life will be lessened even if he or she continues in his o her addiction. You will learn to love the addict for what he or she is, forgive the addict for what he or she is not and coexist peacefully in this world.
The GrandsPlace Virtual QuiltDo you and your children feel alone? Does your child think its weird to live with grandparents and other kinship caregivers? Then view the GrandsPlace Virtual Quilt. This Online quilt has the names of over 3,200 children living with grandparents I special others. It is living proof that lots of children do not live with parents. to see the GrandsPlace Virtual Quilt log on to http://grandsplace.org/quilt2/quilt.html
To have your child's name on our quilt send an e-mail to kathy@grandsplace.org
Understanding Addiction by Stephen F. Grinstead, Dr. AD, MA, ACRPS
I will be using the term addiction and addictive disorders to discuss what the DSM-IV classifies as substance use disorders and others refer to as chemical dependency. In this article I use the following definition of addictive disorder: An Addictive Disorder is a collection of symptoms (i.e., a syndrome) that is caused by a pathological response to the ingestion of mood altering substances and it has ten major characteristics. These Characteristics are covered below.
Euphoria
People use drugs because they work. This is true of pain medications and other potential drugs of abuse. If a person experiences a unique sense of well being or euphoria when they use a drug or medication, they are in high risk of getting addicted to that drug.Recent research shows that when a person is genetically susceptible to being addicted to a specific drug, their brain will release large amounts of brain reward chemicals whenever that drug is used. It is this high level of brain reward chemicals that cause the unique feeling of well being that many addicts experience when using their drug of choice. In this book we will call this unique feeling of well being euphoria.
It is important to distinguish between euphoria (the unique sense of well being experienced when using a drug of choice) and intoxication (the symptoms of dysfunction that occur when a person’s use exceeds the limits of their tolerance to a drug). Addicts do not use their drug of choice to get intoxicated and become dysfunctional. The opposite is true. Addicts use their drug of choice to feel good and experience a unique feeling of well being that will allow them to function better.
People become addicted to this state of euphoria. They crave this unique sense of well being. They feel somehow empty or incomplete when they can’t feel this way. They feel deprived when they can't experience this euphoria. They may even experience deprivation anxiety, which is a fear that if they can’t get their drug of choice (i.e. are deprived of it), they won’t be able to feel good or to function normally.
This positive reinforcement is biopsychosocial in nature. Biologically the drug of choice causes a release of pleasure chemicals that create a unique sense of well being. Psychologically, "I come to believe the drug is good for me because it makes me feel good in the moment." This is called emotional reasoning (if it feels good it must be good for me). I then begin adjusting my social network to accommodate these beliefs. "Anyone who supports my use of my drug of choice is my friend. Anyone who challenges the use of my drug of choice is my enemy." The result is the development of a drug-centered lifestyle.
The stronger the positive reinforcement that is experienced when a person uses their drug of choice the greater the risk that they will become addicted. This is because strong biological reinforcement from drug use creates a craving cycle.
Craving
Addiction starts when someone receives a reward, payoff, or gratification from taking the drug. This reward may be the relief of pain or the creation of a feeling of euphoria. Because the drug provides a quick positive reward, the person continues to use it.With a pattern of consistent drug use people come to rely upon the drug to provide the reward. This leads to an addictive disorder, which is called dependence by DSM-IV. People need to use the drug to successfully accomplish one or more life tasks. Once people become addicted, they experience psychological distress when the thing they are dependent upon is removed. So when people become addicted to a drug for relief or euphoria, they experience anxiety when the drug is no longer available. Albert Ellis calls this deprivation anxiety. The person is anxious because he or she has been deprived of a drug that that they believe they need to function normally.
The deprivation anxiety then causes the person to start thinking about the drug. Obsession is out-of-control thinking about the reward that could be achieved by using the substance. Obsession can lead to compulsion—the irrational desire for the drug. Obsession and compulsion combine together to create a powerful craving or feeling the need for the drug.
This cycle of obsession, compulsion, and craving creates a strong urge or compulsion to seek out and use the drug even if the person consciously knows that it is not in his or her best interest to do so. Over time this reward continues to be reinforced, leading to an increased need for the drug. This leads to Tolerance.
Tolerance
There is a biological component to developing tolerance. The increased need for the drug leads to drug seeking behavior. There are also psychological and social components to this developmental process.On the biological level, after this drug-seeking behavior has been established, the brain undergoes certain adaptive changes to continue functioning despite the presence of the drug. This adaptation is called Tolerance.
Psychologically the person starts believing that they need the drug. When people start to experience difficulty obtaining enough of the drug, they start feeling anxious and afraid. Socially they begin to experience difficulty with other people because of the time and energy they are expending.
Loss Of Control
The final stage of the craving cycle and development of tolerance is a loss of control over drug use. The person begins to develop an even higher tolerance for the drug. In other words, it takes more of the drug to get the same effect. If the person keeps using the same amount of the drug, they experience less of an effect. So the person begins using more of the drug or seeking out stronger drugs that will give the same reinforcing effect.At times the drug is taken in such large quantities that the person becomes intoxicated or dysfunctional. This dysfunction creates life problems. At this point, if the person stops using the drug, they will experience uncomfortable physical and emotional problems. This leads to lowered motivation to stop the drug use.
Withdrawal
This stage is marked by the development of a specific withdrawal syndrome upon the cessation of use. In some cases patients may use the same or a similar drug to relieve or avoid the withdrawal syndrome.Once tolerance and loss of control take place, further abnormalities occur in the brain when drugs are removed. In other words, the brain loses it capacity to function normally when drugs are not present.
Low-grade abstinence-based brain dysfunction is distinct and different from the traditional acute withdrawal syndromes
Low-grade abstinence-based brain dysfunction is marked by feelings of discomfort, increased cravings, and difficulty finding gratification from other behaviors
Low-grade abstinence-based brain dysfunction creates a desire to avoid the unpleasant sensations that occur in abstinence.
The desire to avoid painful stimuli is called negative reinforcementInability To Abstain
As a result of their experiences created by the biological reinforcement and high tolerance, the person comes to believe that the drug of choice is good for them and will magically fix them or make them better. They start to develop an addictive belief system. They come to view people who support their drug use as friends and people who fail to support it as their enemies.At this point the person is experiencing both positive and negative reinforcement to keep using. If they continue to use they experience euphoria and pain relief. This occurs because the brain releases large amounts of reward chemicals when they use their drug of choice.
If they stop using, they experience dysphoria or pain and suffering. They start to experience a sense of anhedonia that is marked by a low grade agitated depression and the inability to experience pleasure. They begin to believe that they have no choice but to keep using.
Addiction Centered Lifestyle
The person attracts and is attracted to other individuals who share strong positive attitudes toward the continued use of drugs (the problematic pain medication). These people usually have enabling support systems that condone and encourage their continued use. They become immersed in an addiction centered system.Addictive Lifestyle Losses
The person distances people who support sobriety and surround themselves with people who support alcohol and drug use. The pattern of biological reinforcement has motivated the person to build a belief system and lifestyle that supports heavy and regular use.The person is now in a position where they will voluntarily use larger amounts with greater frequency until progressive addiction and the accompanying physical, psychological and social degeneration occur. The person’s life becomes unbearable and unmanageable. They start experiencing a downward spiral of problems.
Continued Use In Spite Of Problems
Unfortunately, this downward spiral leads to continued drug use in spite of the consequences. This inability to control drug use causes problems. The problems cause pain. The pain activates a craving. The craving drives people to start using the drug to get the relief that they believe they need.As a result, when addicted people experience adverse consequences from their addiction, the adverse consequences cause cravings instead of correction. So addicted people keep using drugs to gain the immediate reward or relief in spite of the progressively more serious life problems.
Substance Induced Organic Mental Disorders
The progressive damage of alcohol and drugs on the brain create growing problems with judgment and impulse control. As a result, behavior begins to spiral out of control. The cognitive capacities needed to think abstractly about the problem have also been impaired, and the person is locked into a pattern marked by denial and circular systems of reasoning.The person is unable to recognize the pattern of problems related to the use of alcohol and drugs. When problems are experienced and confronted, they begin to experience physical, psychological and social deterioration. Unless they develop an unexpected insight or are confronted by problems or people in their life, the progressive problems are likely to continue until serious damage results.
Reprinted with permission of Stephen F. Grinstead, Copyright 2004, Stephen F. Grinstead. Any use of this information other than for patient/client education, without permission from Stephen F. Grinstead is prohibited. For training and consultation services in Addiction-Free Pain Management, contact Steve Grinstead at info@addiction-free.com, (916) 419-1674 or info@cenaps.com, (352) 596-8000.
Santa and The GrandsPlace Christmas Fund Need Your Help I know its kind of early in the year to be thinking of the winter holidays for most people, but here at GrandsPlace we need to start now in order to provide a christmas gift under the tree of every child that needs on but who's grandparents cannot afford to provide extras like gifts.
Each year when the holiday come around we tell our children tales of Santa and reindeer that fly all over the world bringing toys to the good little girls and boys. We hit the stores on the look out for the perfect gift that will wow the children on Christmas morning.
But in some homes the advent of the winter holidays just brings stress and tears. Over 20% of grandparents that are parenting their grandchildren are living below the federal poverty level. They have enough trouble just paying the rent and putting food on the table let alone buying holiday gifts. Often a grandparent has to tell a child that Santa will not be coming to their house this year. The Child is left wondering what he did wrong that got him on Santa's naughty list this year.
GrandsPlace has teamed up with Santa to help these families but we need your help. Each year we collect money for Christmas and Hanukah gifts for needy GrandFamilies. Then On December first we divide the amount of money collected by the number of children on our Christmas List and send a check to the grandparents so she can buy gifts for her children. Its never very much. Usually about $20 per child but a small gift is better than no gift and the knowledge that Santa did not pass the children by.
To donate to the GrandsPlace Christmas Fund by credit card on PayPal log on to,
https://www.paypal.com/xclick/business=weaver4@cox.net&item_name=GrandsPlace&item_number=CHRISTMASThis link will lead you to a web safe and secure site we use for online donations.
OR send a check or money order made out to “GrandsPlace” to
GrandsPlace,
154 Cottage Rd,
Enfield CT 06082If you are a grandparent or other Kinship caregiver that cannot provide a gift for your child please contact me before December 1st. I encourage you to apply for other programs like Toys For Tots and The Salvation Army in your communities but if your child does not qualify for those please do not let him or her go without. send an e-mail to kathy@grandsplace.org giving the child's name, age and your name and mailing address so that I can send a gift. All requests are confidential. No one but me sees these requests and I don't gossip about the haves and the have nots. I cannot promise much. Funds are very limited but I will see that each child on our Christmas List gets a gift.
Want to "talk" live in real time with grandparents and other kinship caregivers that are living the same life as you? Join us in the GrandsPlace Chat Room! Some of us are just starting this new adventure of parenting again and others are old hands at it. This is the place to come laugh and cry, to find answers to your questions, get sympathy and advice when you are down and celebrate your successes with people that understand. Chatting is free and easy. Hope to see you there! Any Questions? Call Kathy at 1- 860-763-5789
Together we can make a difference in the life of a child.
GrandsPlace Chat Room
Chats are held nightly at 9 pm easter standard time. Join us by logging on to http://grandsplace.org/gp2/chat.html or http://grandsplace.org/gp2/chat.html. Both sites will take you to the same chat room. For people like me that are time zone challenged it's:
9pm Eastern time
8pm Central time
7pm Mountain time
6pm Pacific time
Recipe Of The Month
New-Style Chicken Waldorf Salad
Ingredients |
|
Household Hints - Saving Time In The Kitchen
- Invest in a big roll of parchment paper. Use it to line cookie sheets and cake pans before baking for easier clean-up afterward.
- Line baking pans with aluminum foil. When the baking is done, just toss the used foil away, leaving your pan virtually spotless.
- Be sure to spray casseroles with cooking spray so there's no encrusted mess left when the casserole is emptied.
- Use a self-sealing plastic bag when marinating foods. Not only is your container disposable, it actually does a better job of distributing the marinade around the food.
- Self-sealing plastic bags are also great disposable containers for leftovers.
- Clean-up as you cook; the longer the food sits in food processors, blenders, bowls, pots and pan, and utensils, the harder they will be to clean. Start them soaking with hot, sudsy water immediately until you can get around to loading them into the dishwasher or washing them and allowing them to drain dry.
- Also keep the stovetop clean as you cook - wiping up any splashes or spills as they occur.
- When you put silverware in the dishwasher, keep all of the spoons together, as well as the forks and knives, etc. That way when you're emptying the dishwasher, the silverware's already sorted for quick put away.
- Store frequently used utensils like wooden spoons and spatulas attractively a small vase on the stove top for quick access.
- Use a spoon holder or a small plate near the stove when you're cooking to keep your messy stirring spoons, spatulas, etc. off the counter top.
- When cooking something on the stove that might boil over, keep a large balloon whisk nearby to release the bubbles and lower the temperature of the overflowing liquid.
- When you're pounding meat or chicken or rolling out pie or cookie dough, do so between two layers of plastic wrap to keep your work surface clean.
- Need to freshen your coffee or spice grinder? Grind a small amount of white rice until no odor remains.
Great Sites To Visit
For Little Kids For Big Kids For Grown up Kids ALFY A fun kids web site with fun, free, online games. Kids of all ages will enjoy the fun activities on this web site.
Thomas, The Tank Enginehttp://www.thomasandfriends.com/usa/thomas the_tank_engine_us_website_homepage.html
Play games with Thomas The Tank and all his friends and enjoy Lots Lots More Of Online Fun!Scholastic Kids Headquarters for Clifford the Big Red Dog, Harry Potter, Captain Underpants, and Magic School Bus. Read book reviews, play games & enter contests to win cool Scholastic stuff!
http://www.scholastic.com/
kids/index.asp
MaMaMedia This kids' site has lots of activities, games, story puzzles, and its own directory of kids' Web sites.
http://www.mamamedia.com/Practical Parenting Advice Children's behavior problems, Free parenting tips on children's behavior, activities for children and online
www.practicalparent.org.uk/
parenting course for families and professionals.
Custody Evaluation http://womansdivorce.com/
custody-evaluation.html
Useful Tips on How to Prepare for a Custody Evaluation and Gain an Edge in Your Custody Battle!May all that read this live life in the glow of loving comapssion. May you give comassion to all you meet in your daily lives and recieve compasion from all.
I wish you the gift of loving compasion
Copyright © 1996,1997,1998,1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 all rights reserved. All materials in this web site and newsletters are the exclusive property of GrandsPlace and nothing contained herein may be used without the express permission of the owners. For permission to reprint please contact kathy@grandsplace.org