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GrandsPlace News - May 2006
The Mommy Competition
By Kathy Reynolds
In the beginning all I wanted to do was take care of Danni until her
real mother could get her life back on track and resume the care of her
child. This was supposed to be temporary. Then something strange happened.
Perhaps it was the many sleepless nights I walked the floor with a screaming
infant. Or maybe it was the countless times I had to put my own needs aside
because the child’s needs came first.. Somewhere along the way in my mind
I became Danni’s only true mother!
Resentment was a big force in my life then. Here I was spending my money
on nice clothes for Danni, teaching her morals and manners, making sure
she was properly fed, bathed etc. and then along comes Bio Mom for a visit
bringing her friends and current love interest. to show off her baby. “Oh
look at my daughter. Isn’t she cute, smart and wonderful.” She would say.
When Danni did something cute or showed how smart she is my daughter would
say things like “She gets that from me.” Statements like that made me want
puke. I quietly seethed. Who was she to take credit for all my hard work?
While I was stuck home caring for the baby she was off running the streets
going along her merry way. Birthdays, Holidays came and went. Boy I showed
everyone who the real mother was. When Bio Mom was broke it was great because
I could be the hero and give lavish birthday parties and just the right
gifts. The years she did not show up were even better. There was no confusion
at all who was the real mother. There was no Mommy War. I won hands down.
Then something wonderfully terrible happened. My daughter started to
get better. As her mother I was pleased but afraid it would not last. I
dared not let my guard down and expose Danni and myself to more hurt.
But a mother’s love never dies and hope began to creep in. Perhaps my daughter
could return to the family. At the same time it was terrible. My
daughter started trying to be a mother to what I thought of as my child.
The fear and resentment began to get worse. “It’s too little too late”
I thought. In my mind I said ,“You had your chance and you blew it.
She’s mine now.” The fear of her breaking up my fantasy of the perfect
little family was overwhelming. I thought I had earned the title of Mommy.
That’s when the “Mommy Competition” began in earnest.
Danni has always called me Mommy. She knows I am a grandmother but because
she has lived with me all her life she feels that Mother daughter bond.
She always called my daughter Mommy or Mommy Kelly and it was working.
Suddenly when Danni saw my daughter she was told she was not allowed to
call me Mommy any longer but must call me Grandma. Wow did I resent that
one. From my perspective I earned that title and hated it was being stolen
from me. From Danni’s perspective it was better to go along than fight
so she called me Mommy when my daughter was not around and Grandma when
she was. I did not want her stuck in the middle so I told Danni I did not
care what she called me. I did are but I was trying hard not to for Danni’s
sake.
When I bought Danni a great gift for a holiday my daughter brought ten
better ones. If I bought an outfit she bought ten better ones. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
“Of course she can bring better gifts” I thought, “She is not spending
a fortune supporting the child.” What I did not stop to consider was that
perhaps those gifts were her way of doing what she could to see that Danni
had nice things. I refused to think that she gave those things to her daughter
out of love. I could not see the pain and guilt she felt because someone
else was parenting her child. It was easier to think that she did not really
care but was putting on a show.
There were years of ugliness in our family. Court battles and private
wars were the norm. Ugly words were said and countless more went unsaid.
Anger and fear ruled all our lives. Poor Danni was caught in the middle
of this. Each of us blamed the other for her stress but looking back I
can see that we were both to blame. My daughter and I were rendered helpless
by our love for the same child.
The great thing about this life is that all bad things come to an end.
Good does overcome evil. We just could not sustain the stress that had
taken over our lives. Something had to give and in our family I think it
was both of us. I just decided one day to stop fighting. It was taking
too big a toll on Danni. If I love this child I cannot continue to be a
part of her hurt. A funny thing happened. We had some long talks and were
brutally honest with each other. I started to understand her life and feelings.
She started to understand mine.
With understanding came solutions. We started cooperating. Kelly
and I decided that it was okay for Danni to have two Mommys and that each
of us has a separate but important role to play in her life things got
better between us. We decided that there need not be a good guy and a bad
guy. Our family works better with no bad guys allowed.
In the end all of us won the Mommy Competition. I have the daughter
I have loved for 34 years back in my life. She has the mother all of us
need even after we are grown. But the real winner is Danni because she
is free to love both of us without having to choose sides. She can go from
my home to her mother’s home without feeling she is betraying the “Mommy”
left behind.
It took a lot of years and countless mistakes along the way to
get where we are today as a family. It surely was not easy or fun.
This situation we parenting grandparents find ourselves in is not right.
It’s not fun. It just is. But if we can work together to make the
best of a bad situation we will survive this and our children will thrive
in a world where love and respect rules the day.
If I had my life to live over again the Mommy Competition would be one
of those things I would forget to play
Get Immunized. - Protect Your Computer From Infection
What is a computer virus?
A computer virus is a software program that has been intentionally created
to cause a user grief, spread to other computers, or destroy data on an
individual's computer. To help prevent a computer from becoming infected
by a virus, software developers have developed anti-virus programs that
stay active on the computer helping to protect it. It is important to realize
that many computers do not come pre-loaded with these already installed
and that if computers do come with these programs, the programs may expire
within 90 days.
How are Virus files getting to my computer?
Just like catching the common cold virus in humans, computer virus files
are spread from contact with other computers through e-mail and sometimes
from web sites. If another computer is infected with a virus and the user
of that computer has you listed in their address book the virus or worm
program sends itself to you in a bogus e-mail as an attachment. Less often
a web site will place virus files that are embedded in images on the web
site and you can unwittingly download a virus or worm without even knowing
it.
Why am I getting e-mails telling me I am sending viruses?
A virus or worm that is infected on your computer can cause this issue,
and/or another computer infected with a virus or worm is using (spoofing)
your e-mail address as the e-mail address of who is sending the virus or
worm. When a network or user receives an e-mail infected with the virus
that is capable of detecting the virus, it will automatically reply to
your e-mail address. Below are some examples of automatic replies.
Automatic reply examples:
This message is simply to warn you that your computer system may have
a virus present and should be checked.
Report: >>> Virus 'W32/Sobig-F' found in file details.pif
Shortcuts to MS-DOS programs are very dangerous in email (details.pif)
In the above example, the automatic reply is for the Sobig virus and
may have also listed movie.pif, sky_world.scr, document.pif, or application.pif
as the attached program.
To help verify that this issue is not being caused by your computer,
make sure you are running the latest updated version of your virus scanner
and scan your computer to make sure it is not infected with any viruses
or worms.
If your computer is infected with a virus or worm, make sure to let
all your e-mail contacts know that your computer was infected with a virus
and to make sure they check their computers as well.
If your computer was not infected with a virus or worm, it is very likely
that another computer on the Internet is infected with a virus and may
have used your e-mail address to distribute the virus. Unfortunately, there
is no simple method of tracking down the computer that was infected with
the virus, but telling all your e-mail contacts to make sure they have
checked their computer for viruses or worms is still a good idea if you
continue to receive automatic virus replies.
Note: Some virus protection programs may also send your e-mail account
a virus when someone else attempts to send you a virus. These messages
are meant as notification messages to let you know that an e-mail was blocked.
What can I do if I think my computer might be infected?
Hopefully you are running a good security and anti-virus program. If
you suspect your computer may be infected the first thing to do is open
your security program, update all the virus definitions, then scan your
computer. If a virus or worm is found a good security program can help
you get rid of it,
Sometimes a virus will disable your security program. In that case use
one of the free online virus scans provided by trusted security companies
such as Symantec ot McAfee. Links to those programs are in the box below.
Either one will help identify a virus or worm if you have one and
give instructions and tools for removing it from your system.
If a virus or worm is found on your computer delete it then warn everyone
in your address book that you had a virus and advise that they check their
computers.
Symantec
Free Virus Scan
http://security.symantec.com/sscv6/home.asp?langid=ie&venid=sym&plfid=23&pkj=HRQXOOTGUSDJNRNJWDJ
McAffeee
Free Scan
http://us.mcafee.com/root/mfs/default.asp
How can I protect my computer from getting infected with a virus?
Be sure to install and run the best anti-virus program you can afford
and keep it updated. I use Norton Security 2006 on all my computers. I
update it daily.
Never open an e-mail attachment you are not expecting even if it appears
to be from someone you love and trust. My first e-mail virus was the I
love You Virus and it appeared to come to my computer from a man I love
and trust. But my dear friend Bill did not send me the file an infected
computer did. I learned that lesson the hard way.
Set your e-mail program to prohibit the automatic opening of attachments.
In Outlook Express go to the top tool bar and select "TOOLS.". Click on
"OPTIONS". Click on the Security Tab. Make sure the boxes are checked for
" Warn me when other applications try to send mail to me." and " Do not
allow attachments to be saved or opened that could potentially be a virus."
and "Block Images or other external content in HTML e-mail."
By being aware of computer threats you have taken the first step needed
to protect yourself and all your contacts from all this ugliness.
The GrandsPlace Virtual Quilt
Do you and your children feel alone? Does your child think its weird to
live with grandparents and other kinship caregivers? Then view the GrandsPlace
Virtual Quilt. This Online quilt has the names of over 3,200 children living
with grandparents I special others. It is living proof that lots of children
do not live with parents. to see the GrandsPlace Virtual Quilt log on to
http://grandsplace.org/quilt2/quilt.html
To have your child's name on our quilt send an e-mail to kathy@grandsplace.org
Happenings Around GrandsPlace
